Love Yourself First, Know Your Flow: Dr. Carlen Costa | No Schedule Man Podcast, Ep. 38 -

Love Yourself First, Know Your Flow: Dr. Carlen Costa | No Schedule Man Podcast, Ep. 38

Dr. Carlen Costa is one of Canada’s most sought-after Sexologist & Relationship Experts. She believes everyone is capable of achieving deep and meaningful intimate relationships; sometimes we just need inspiration to grow them.

Carlen is a dynamic, cheerful soul who clearly loves what she does and has been through quite the journey of self exploration and actualization to become that way. And that is, for the most part, what we discussed in this episode.

Listen to Episode 38 on: iTunes | Soundcloud| YouTube

Most people I know (including yours truly) struggle daily, at least to some extent, to remain completely true to themselves when it comes to their actions, words and vision. The temptation to “fall in line” or simply to do what others do because it feels “safe” is something I believe most of us can relate to. So just imagine abandoning the path to a potentially fruitful (at least in some respects) legal career in favour of explaining to your family and friends that you’ve decided it’s your mission to become a Sexologist and Relationship Therapist. That’s what Dr. Carlen did. Yes, she got a lot of questions. Yes, she had to block out many hurtful criticisms from people she loved in order to remain true to herself. But she did, and I bet she’d tell you she couldn’t be happier about it.

“If they’re not in my flow, they’re not allowed to catch my wave.”

– Dr. Carlen Costa

Whether Dr. Carlen is hosting “Sex with Dr. Carlen” (an interactive live show) on campuses all over Ontario, giving advice, helping couples through private counselling, providing the dos and don’ts of dating etiquette, displaying the most recent trends in social sex (social media and dating), or writing about where to take your new lover on a hot date, Dr. Carlen has had credible success in connecting people to her message; real sex, real relationships, for people — that’s what she calls “sexy living.”

Dr. Carlen Costa and Kevin Bulmer

A post-interview selfie by Dr. Carlen

Honestly, I didn’t quite know what to expect out of my conversation with Carlen. I was fully prepared to talk for an hour about all of the sex-related things that most people I know don’t feel comfortable talking about. And I look forward to having that conversation with her in a future episode! However, this chat quickly showed itself to be about Dr. Carlen’s journey of self-discovery and expression, and when I listened back to it a couple of days after we met, I thought about how it really is representative of the absolute essential need to understand to love yourself first if you’re going to have success in any meaningful relationship. I wasn’t thinking of it at the time, but I realize now that Carlen gives an incredibly helpful description of how she got in line with her own “flow” and what have been some of the ups and downs of maintaining and nurturing that path; loving and nurturing herself so that she could be there for all of those she’s here to help. It sounds simple. It is anything but.

“Everything in your life brings you to where you are now”

– Dr. Carlen Costa

Some of the key things I took from this discussion that you may wish to listen for include:

Honouring & Nurturing Your Awareness – Carlen described a “heavy feeling” that she experienced at the outset of her professional journey. Rather than pushing past it, as so many of us do in the face what we feel we’re “supposed” to do, she listened to it, honoured it, gave it space and looked to truly understand it. She cultivated her self-awareness to truly tune into what her body and spirit were trying to tell her. It’s a great lesson for the rest of us, and one that has served her well again, many times, in the face of subsequent challenges.

Embracing the “Process” – Dr. Carlen took an objective and honest macro view of her life in order to choose the next micro move. She knew it would be a process and she embraced it and then went to work. She describes this at the part where she talks about wanting to have the credibility to be taken seriously, and what she felt that would require. It’s a fabulous lesson in self-awareness and emotional maturity that left me impressed and inspired.

Understanding & Cultivating Intimacy – The word “intimacy,” in my opinion and experience, is largely misunderstood. That’s probably due to the accepted phrase of “being intimate” taken to mean “having sex.” But that’s not what real intimacy is, and we’re missing out! As Dr. Carlen says,  “Intimacy is about sharing. It’s about communicating. It’s about connecting. It’s about bonding. It’s about everything other than sex.”

You’re going to love her. Here is my conversation with Dr. Carlen Costa on the No Schedule Man Podcast:

Podcast Episode Links:

No Schedule Man Podcast on iTunes No Schedule Man Podcast on SoundCloud No Schedule Man Podcast on YouTube

Connect with Dr. Carlen:

Official Website:

Blog Site:

Social Media: Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | YouTube | Pinterest


Dr. Carlen referred to her absolute insistence that her clients read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman near the end of the episode. Here’s a link to it (or click the book cover image) if you’d like to learn more about it.

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Comments: Have You Had That “Heavy Feeling?”

Have you felt that “heavy feeling” that Dr. Carlen described, but in regards to something in your life? What did you do about it? What was the result? What would you do differently if you could have the situation back?

Please add your thoughts to the Comments Section, below.

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10 Responses to “Love Yourself First, Know Your Flow: Dr. Carlen Costa | No Schedule Man Podcast, Ep. 38

  • Veronica McCarthy
    4 years ago

    I keep hearing about that book lately! The Five Love Languages. Maybe that’s the universe telling me that I better read it. Anyways, I think we would all experience a better life if we took a “time out” and looked at the macro view of our lives. People are so busy being busy that they don’t take the time to decide and choose for themselves exactly what they want their life to look like and who they purposefully want in their life. Dr. Carlen makes some very interesting points and I can’t wait to hear the whole podcast. Thanks!

    • Hi Veronica,
      That’s very well said. Thanks for the visit and the comments! I especially like what you said about “choosing for themselves exactly what they want their life to look like.” That’s a powerful mindset shift to make that creates a true self accountability. There’s a lot of power it in.
      Best wishes,

  • Hi Kevin,

    I have never heard of Dr. Carlen Costa. Sounds like she helps couples by giving advice on the dos and dont’s of dating, social dating, or couples relationships. Many of us would be happier if we took the time to view our words and actions in order to achieve a meaningful relationship.

    This is an interesting read. Thank you for sharing.

    • Thank you, Rosa! You’re right: Dr. Carlen is a great help to all kinds of people. A wonderful person.
      Thanks for visiting!

  • Hello Kevin-

    In a society where conformity seems to be a must, it is kind of hard for someone to find their own flow. Low self-esteem that some people have does not help much either.
    Thank you for the 5 love languages.

    • Hi Udoh,
      Thanks for your visit and comments. My experience tells me that conformity is a choice. And having recovered from severe depression and low self esteem, I believe that’s a choice, too. That doesn’t make it easy, but it’s still a choice. Anyone who tells themselves, “It’s too hard so I can’t do it,” won’t. That was true for me until I woke up and realized I was following a lot of other people who didn’t know where they were going.
      The Love Languages are terrific resource – very helpful to build self awareness and stronger relationships!
      Many thanks again for your visit and perspective.
      Best wishes,

  • Hi Kevin,

    Another great post that is both thought provoking and inspiring. I’m sure you have touched on the topic before about being true to yourself. But I felt that I had to comment again.

    I sometimes struggle to be true to myself. Sometimes, (right now even), I wonder what I would have to do to be true to myself. I pretty much fall in line. But that is only because it is easier that way and I don’t want the hassle. But sometimes getting out of my comfort zone is good for me in the long run. I need to push the boundaries and see what I am missing.

    As for intimacy I didn’t really thing of it like that before so thank you for discussing that. It’s true what you say and it gives me a new understanding on the word. So thank you.

    • Hi Owain!
      I really appreciate your time and your comments. I’m glad you took something from it. You’re right: this has come up before however it still seems remarkable to me when I come across someone like Carlen who exhibits a high degree of emotional maturity from what I would consider a pretty early age. The outcome is clear: acting in line with your true self brings a greater sense of personal contentment than chasing “the dream” seems to.
      The trick is … what is it that we really want? We end up all twisted and programmed to feel that pursuing what’s right for actually feels wrong, at least at first. What a world. But at least, if you’re onto it, you can start to do something about it, if you choose.
      Thanks again!
      Best wishes,

  • I must say, this was a very interesting read! I was not familiar with Dr. Carmen, but after reading this article, I’m definitely intrigued to learn more. I think many of us, definitely myself, have felt that “heavy” feeling and could possibly be feeling it now. What a great message in learning how to not just work past it but really participate in self-awareness and knowing what your body is telling you. Great stuff. I am bookmarking this page.


    • Thanks for your kind words, Kayla. Much appreciated!
      I wish you all the best with your journey 🙂

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