Momentum is a strange thing. When you have it, you better step on the accelerator baby, because sooner or later, you’re gonna lose it.
I’ve lost it.
It seems to go like this with me. I go like hell for weeks at a time, get a ton of stuff accomplished, and have all sorts of grand ideas. Then I burn out. Once that’s happened, I get frustrated and irritable. In golfing terms, I start to “grind it out” so that I feel that I’m at least still trying to move forward. And I do this until I get “locked back in.”
And when that happens, I go like hell again. Until I burn out.
And so it goes.
Yes, I see the stupidity and the obvious pattern. And I am aware of it even when I am doing it. But so far I have not found an effective way to deal with it. Though I promise you, I am trying.
As far as my music project is concerned, it’s gone completely off the rails over the last week-to-ten days. Not only have I not been able to get much done; the truth is, I haven’t even really felt like doing it. Last Monday night, I arrived at Kevin Gorman’s studio feeling tired and uninspired (and to my credit, at least I showed up). Upon arrival I immediately dropped my gear and fell onto the couch in the front lobby. Kev and I never got any further. I was just too tired and, I think, so was he. We sat and chatted, and not about music. We did that for an hour and then I left.
Later in the week, I returned for a recording session. I could sense right from the get-go that I just wasn’t in the groove. We tried to record the guitar parts for the song “Bagley Avenue” and it wasn’t working. I quickly grew frustrated and tired of the whole thing.
Let me tell you; I am very passionate about this group of songs we’ve got. I have put my heart and soul into this project and I believe in it completely. So does KG. We’ve been chipping away at it for months (started in June) and I have been very excited about some of the recent progress we’ve made. The songs are good. The concept is strong. And in recent weeks, our confidence has been up and our performances solid.
So why then does it suddenly seem like someone has flipped the “off” switch? It is bewildering and frustrating.
So, thinking that I just needed a good night’s rest, I arrived back at KG’s on Saturday afternoon in what surely would be a productive session.
I did manage to get the guitar part done for “Sunny Day in November,” which we decided to do first in an effort to help me find a groove and feel more relaxed so we could go back to “Bagley Avenue.” We did, and it only brought more frustration. I actually asked Kevin out loud if we could just leave that song off the CD. He immediately shook his head and said, “No Kev, I won’t let you do that. It’s too good of a song not to be included. You’re just tired. It’s not the song’s fault. It’s a great song and it deserves to be on the CD. You’ll be cheating people if you don’t let them hear it.”
I appreciated the thought. But … can I play it? I’m just not sure that I’m good enough.
Please understand, I am just being very honest with you here. We all have our ups and downs. And I am trying to achieve a goal that I’ve had set before me for a long, long time. I don’t care how much you like doing something; when you set out to do a thing you’ve never done before, you have to work at it. And not all the days are going to be full of roses and sunshine. It’s work, plain and simple.
And so I go into a new week feeling as if I’ve completely lost my musical mojo. I know it’s out there somewhere and I suppose I must put my trust in the universe to bring it back to me. Perhaps I’m just over-tired. Perhaps I’m over-frustrated with this pre-packaged, mind-numbing time of year (I’d rather be on the receiving end of a dentist’s drill than at a mall about now).
Or maybe I just need a break from it.
So I am going to leave this blog and go watch something on DVD. Too bad I already finished the new “Star Trek” movie earlier this week because that was fantastic. It was a very nice surprise.
I would go and read something, but I’ve lost that mojo too. For the first time in years, I just don’t feel like reading anything.
Oh well. I’m sure that’ll be back soon too. At least, I hope so.
Funny. Less than a week ago, I finally caved and purchased a Blackberry. I’ve never been more “connected” …
… and felt so disconnected.